Midnight ramblings- VII (The pain I choose to feel…)

If I cut myself tonight, would you feel the pain?

Of course not! It’s a stupid thing to ask, really. How could you?

Especially when we have not spoken a word to each other for over three years now? Separation has taught me well. I learned that heartache is a difficult thing to heal. It is better to focus the pain elsewhere. Because there are no pills for heartache. There are no bandages available to heal the invisible gaping wound. The only option left is ‘time’, and that doesn’t heal very fast. Sometimes, it doesn’t heal at all.

<We were there for each other, except we weren’t>

Diversion is better than meeting the problem, head on; many procrastinators will agree, I know.

<I begged you to share what was going on in that beautiful head of yours, but you chose to remain silent>

As the cold, soulless blade kisses the skin, it leaves a trail of red behind. Slowly the mind focusses on the pain at hand. When it is done, a faint smile quietly escapes the lips. Content with the result, the shiny blade then reflects the bottle of antiseptic wash and band-aides carelessly huddled together on the table.

<I try to feel your pain, but I cannot. Pain, grief, trauma cannot be shared. I try to walk the road that you’ve been through for so long, but I don’t know the directions. And you were never the one to reveal them to me. I realized life is one grand irony when we last met at the bus stop. Guess I forgot to ask the directions from you again>

Sometimes, unconditional love is not enough. Do you know what hurts more than the pangs of separation? The inability to help someone, knowing the terrible pain they’re in.

P.S- Depression is a hard thing to come out of. In all other cases of diseases, the body betrays the individual. Here, the mind betrays the person concerned and perhaps, there is nothing more devastating than that.

© Biswadeep

Image courtesy- https://snapwolf.deviantart.com/art/Cut-50588005


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